Grandpa!

 

 

From: Suchi Gupta

 

Grandpa was visiting a primary school and he looked in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher was leading the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

Thus the teacher asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Teacher - that would be an accident.

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy

I'm afraid not, explained Teacher - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Teacher searched the room. 'Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the gate of the room, Grandpa raised his hand . . . .

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr wife to Afghanistan or Iraq was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Teacher. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' said Grandpa 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it wouldn't be an accident either!'
__________________________________________________________

Grandpa and Police

A Police officer stops at a field and talks with Grandpa. He tells Grandpa,'I need to inspect your field for illegally grown drugs.' Grandpa says,'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The police officer verbally explodes saying,'Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me.'Reaching into his rear pants pocket,he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the Grandpa.'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?'

Grandpa nods politely and goes about his chores.

A short time later, grandpa hears loud screams and sees the police officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.The officer is clearly terrified. Grandpa throws down his tools,runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'


***********************************************************

Grandpa and the IRS

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay.. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops..

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

***********************************************************
Grandpa and the Police

Grandpa was going up to bed, when grandma told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Grandpa opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

Grandpa said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up..

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Grandpa, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Grandpa said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people

Live well, laugh often, love much!!!

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